Missing Them

We dropped the boys off at the library tonight. As we were driving away, Rachel stated that she missed the boys already. I asked the girls about what we were going to do when people started moving out. They asked what I meant. I told them that eventually they were all going to do things like go on missions, go to college, get married...and that those things meant that they would move out of the house and be doing things on their own when they were adults. I told them that their Dad and I would miss them. I didn't have the heart to say that by then it would just be me missing them. That really wasn't what the conversation was about anyway.
I also asked the girls about what they wanted to do when they got older. Again, Rachel asked what I meant. She ended up telling me she wanted to learn more about animals. I asked more questions and she came up with wanting to train animals to do stuff. Megan first asked if there was a pizzeria around. She can be random at times - so, I asked her if she was asking if there was one not far from our house or if she was wondering if there was one she could work at when she was older. She said that she wanted to be a pizzeria woman, a mechanic, and an artist. But, not all of them all at once. Rachel then piped in with...'Oh ya, I wanted to be a mechanic too.'. She had commented on it a few days ago and had just forgotten I guess. She had commented on how she wanted to build things.
Both girls have also commented on wanted to go on missions too. So, we'll see what the future holds for them.
I thought it was nice to have an idea that the kids are close and will miss each other when the others aren't around. I'm glad that even at the ages they are, they still like being around each other. (Well, most of the time. There are times I'm not so sure.)

To Be or Not To Be

I just found this draft...originally written 5/27/12

This seems to be our phrase these days. It's been a challenge to not know if a loved one has cancer or not. We were told weeks ago that Layne has colon cancer and that he needed to have a procedure as soon as possible. That has since been corrected. 'They' don't know if he has cancer or not. There is a mass that has pre-cancer cells, but there's not enough evidence either way to know if there are cells that have developed to the cancer stage. We won't know until his surgery at the end of this week. We have gone for weeks now...thinking he has cancer and then not knowing if he does or not. The not knowing is hard. And yet, knowing doesn't seem like such a wonderful option either, unless we know it is not cancer.

The hard part about not knowing is not being sure of what to think or how to plan. For the most part, I try not to think about it; to keep busy with other things. Although, I haven't found a way to move quickly past the 'what if' thoughts that pop into my head occasionally. A couple of my first thoughts were about how I would miss him and how would I support our family and raise 4 kids by myself. I have also had times when I have noticed and appreciated the little things about Layne and having a companion that I love.

Layne is more anxious than usual. It's hard for him to not know and especially to deal with the unknown of how it will be to have part of him taken out and how his body will heal and function once that happens. He is one to worry. So, it's been a bit rough. He has done his best to joke about things occasionally.